Is it healthy to hang out with your ex?

Dear Colette, Within the last month, my live-in boyfriend of 2 1/2 years moved out and I have to say that it is the best thing that could have happened to me. My life has taken an impressive turn for the better and I am on my way again to being the person I use to be; I would even venture to say a new and improved model of my former self. In recent years, I have learned that everything truly does happen for a reason and that everything has a valuable lesson to teach you. I have realized my lessons from this past relationship and have learned a great deal about myself and what I need to work on to have a successful relationship in the future.

I am torn about remaining friends with him. He thinks we should hang out and do stuff together and that we should hang out with our kids as well. I think that hanging out with him may complicate my life and confuse the kids. While we are both single it may work, but once either one of us enters into another relationship, I can’t see the friendship continuing on. As well, we are not together anymore because of differences we could not overcome and/or accept. Does remaining friends benefit anyone? Is it healthy to hang out with your former boyfriend in a friendly capacity? Thanks again for your amazing gift of great relationship advice! – Sonya

Sonya, first of all, I want to say congratulations to you for all the immense strides and accomplishments you have made with your Self and your life. You sound like you’ve really got a GREAT outlook on things!

I particularly want to acknowledge you for seeing that “everything truly does happen for a reason and that everything has a valuable lesson to teach you.” You’re one smart cookie Sonya!

Now, let’s get to answering your question:

Is It Healthy To Hang Out With Your Ex?

The thing about your question is… It’s one of those “Should” types of questions. Whether or not you “should” hang out with your ex, is really a matter that only you can decide for yourself. But, there are certainly things for you to consider in making that decision:

Why Would You Want To?

Without trying to sound harsh… What is the benefit for remaining friends? From your point of view, it sounds as though you are ready to move on. I get the feeling that you’ve learned a bunch of lessons from this relationship and you are ready to find someone better suited to you.

The fact that he wants to remain friends leaves me feeling like he’s not over you yet. I’ve seen this thousands of times in my counselling practice. Men and women will ask to remain friends, in the secret hope and subconscious wish, that in time, their ex will see just how awesome they REALLY are, and want to get back together with them.

It’s a subtle form of manipulation that I’d venture a guess we ALL try and use when we’re not quite over our ex. It hurts too much to let go, so we try and hang on, under the guise of being ‘friends.’

To determine whether or not you “should” remain friends, I suggest you make a list of the advantages and disadvantages of doing so. You’ve already mentioned it could be confusing for your kids, and that once either of you meet someone, the friendship would likely end. Those are two disadvantages… What do you see as advantages for remaining friends? I encourage you to figure this out, because it will help you decide what to do.

Something Else To Consider

After a break-up it can feel pretty lonely. So even though you don’t think it’s a good idea to remain friends, you may still decide to do it. And that’s because many of us are afraid of feeling alone, and like we don’t “matter.”

If your ex still wants to be friends, that let’s you know that you at least mean ‘something’ to ‘someone’ right?

True. But…

Imagine your life like a 10 x 10 grid. At every cross-section of the grid is a placeholder for something or someone in your life. If your grid is filled up with people, places, and things that don’t serve you, there is no room for the things that DO serve you to come in.

The Universe ABHORS a vacuum. So, by making space on your grid, you are inviting people, places, and things into your life that will help propel you forward on your path in life, to the next level of love, intimacy, and conscious awareness that you are clearly ready for.

Making space in your life is a key point to consider.

You Are Your Greatest Guide

When you think about being friends with your ex, notice the sensations you feel in your body. We often rely only on our conscious mind when making decisions, and the fact is, there is a whole Universe of information in the trillions of cells in our body.

What sensations do you notice? Where in your body do you notice them?

Is it a tightness in your chest? A knot in your stomach? Or an opening in your heart? Whatever it is, take notice.

I encourage you to take some time to get quiet. Breathe deeply for 5-10 breaths (or as many breaths as it takes to feel a whole-body sense of calm). Once you are in a calm state, ask yourself the question “Should I remain friends with my ex?” and see what feelings arise. You are your greatest guide – You have ALL of your own answers.

Much Love,

Colette

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JB King

I'd have the question of what is the stuff and why does there appear to be the need for mutual availability for the relationship to work? The comment about the relationship working as long as both are single is a bit of a red flag to my mind. If I am friends with someone, I want the best for them. If that means that person dates someone else, so be it. Part of being friends is to understand the limits of that relationship, more commonly known as boundaries.

Another way to see this is as a great test of handling temptation. Can you just be friends with this person or would you want more than that? Some people rise to such a challenge and of course there can also be the dimension that the offer is a bit of a bluff from the ex where he is playing nice by putting the offer out there. He may expect her to turn him down and so he is just doing it as a gesture of good faith, knowing that it isn't likely to be accepted.

The idea of using one's body as an intuitive guide is a great one. There may be some warning sign there if one is open to hear it. Sometimes it takes a lot of work and effort to listen to our bodies. The advantages and disadvantages list is fine for those wanting to take a rational view to dealing with relationships. Others may just go with their gut or heart however.

JB
http://colettekenney.com Colette Kenney

Hey J.B.

Thanks for your comments as always – they are thought provoking and interesting :)

The thing about not remaining friends after one or the other meets someone IS a red flag, and precisely why you really want to investigate why you want to stay friends. Matters of the heart are so sensitive. As much as we ALL want to believe we can be unconditionally loving, only the most enlightenened of us are able to do it with any success.

Which is why it's usually best to part ways with an ex that hasn't worked out. It's not that you can't be friendly, as in catching up with each other if you run into each other in the street. But in most case (of course not all – there are ALWAYS circumstances that would prove otherwise) but in many cases, it's best to say "you're great and good luck, you deserve to be loved the way you want to be loved, and I wish that for you."

Another reason why it's tough to remain friends with an ex once you've met someone new, is because that someone new might have a difficult time with it. And while I agree that you want to be with a partner who is secure enough to not worry about it, the trouble is, in the beginning of relationships, things are so 'iffy' and sensitive, and we have a tendency to feel so vulnerable.

So, if you want to challenge your future partner to 'suck it up' and deal with the fact that you are friends with your ex, that's fine. But just be sure you are friends with your ex for the "Right" reasons – like as you say, because you care about them, not because they serve your need to feel important, desired, or good enough.

Thanks J.B. :) You're the best!

Colette
Harvey

I have to say that veing apart from my ex-wife for 8 months now after an 8 year marriage, each of us toyed with the idea of being friends at one time or another. When she wanted to, I couldn't. When I suggested it, I now believe I had an alterior motive, she said no. We wound up being able to communicate amicably when we had to. But, I found that the more contact I had, the worse I felt. It was counterproductive to my recoverywhich has been long and difficult enough.
When I think of a friend, I think of someone to share time and common interests with and someone I actyually like. My Ex does not fit any of those categories and is anything but a friend. I agree with the person who said peopke try it to avoid letting go, to ease their initial lonliness, or perhaps with the hope of ultimately winning back their Ex. It's all a delusion, counterproductive and prolongs healing. We also need to make space for the right people and clinging to a dead past is not conducive to loving in the present or to forfing a positive future. Just putting in my two cents.

http://colettekenney.com Colette Kenney

Harvey,

This is music to my ears! :) I absolutely LOVE the wisdom you have shared in your comment.

What I have found, is those who disagree that it is good to remain friends with your ex, are those who are not ready to let go, or to move on. They may say in their mind that they are, but energetically, they are not.

When we are energetically ready to find new love we do as you have said Harvey, we "make space" for it. And by maintaining a bunch of friendships with old lovers we are sending out a VERY loud vibe that say's "I'm dating, but I'm not available for intimacy and love."

It's FABULOUS to leave your past relationships behind and wish them well with love, care, and respect. It is wonderful to want the best for your ex. It is BEAUTIFUL that you would want to wish them the absolutely best. But if you want to move on, and find the love that you didn't find with your ex, you need to let go of them and your past.

Thanks Harvey :)

I really enjoy all of your comments – thanks for sharing your journey with us as you move through it.

Much Love,

Colette

Harvey

Sorry about my spelling. I did this in the dark. The next to last sentence was meant to be living in the present. Although the word loving seems to apply as well. forfing was meant to be forging.
Dee

Wow, what a topic. Obviously everyone's situation is different, so there is no one-fits-all answer to this question. But speaking personally, I have ALWAYS remained good, close friends with my ex-boyfriends; and it puzzles and dismays me that so many people seem to find this odd or objectionable.

I find it odd that other people would *not* want to remain close friends. Most of us have room for only one lover at a time in our lives; but we have room for several close friends, at least. It takes a huge investment of time and energy and emotion to cultivate a truly close, loving, intimate friendship. Why should anyone want to throw all that away, just because the friendship is no longer romantic?? A former boyfriend can become like a brother and a best friend, someone that you can not only hang out with, but also confide all your feelings to, and trust with your deepest secrets.

I suppose it's possible that I relied on former boyfriends for all that partly because I did not have many close women friends to hang out with and confide in. My friends were always mostly male, including not only ex-boyfriends but also men that I had never "dated" as such. At one point I moved into a new social situation that allowed me to make some new, close friendships with other women, which was really wonderful for a change. But I still kept my friendships with men. It really bothers me that so many people seem to disregard or underestimate the potential for deep, intimate, lifelong platonic friendship between men and women.

Over many years and several relocations – and this was before the internet made it easy to keep in touch – I did end up losing touch with some ex-boyfriends, as well as most of my women friends from years ago. But that doesn't change the fact that we did enjoy a close and loving platonic friendship for years after the romantic breakup. And at least one of my ex-boyfriends is still a close friend of mine, over 30 years after we broke up. And I recently made email contact with my ex-boyfriend from high school – a man that I had stayed friends with for about ten years after we broke up, until I moved out of state – and it was just like old times. I have even, on occasion, lived as platonic roommates with ex-boyfriends. That seems to be unusual for some reason, so I had to keep explaining it to people. One way that I put it: "We're like Will and Grace, except that we're both straight."

When I think of the many long hours that have gone into cultivating such close relationships, it's actually painful to me to think of just tossing them out. A romantic relationship is, first and foremost, an intimate and trusting friendship. And there is no reason why that can't go on long after the flames of romance have died down. I might add that the only problems I ever encountered with this were due to the jealous wives and girlfriends of my ex-boyfriends — women who had absolutely nothing to fear or envy from me, but who had somehow bought into this catty female stereotype of wanting to keep all other women at arm's length away from "their" man. They could not seem to get it through their heads that whatever heat had once been there was long gone, and now it was just a brother-sister love.

But I have never felt jealous and possessive in that way, myself. I always thought it was a very positive sign when a man that I was dating was still good friends with his ex-wife or ex-girlfriend. To me it meant that he respected women as something more than just bed partners, that he valued their platonic friendship. And if a man did not feel that way, then there is little chance that we would be compatible.

I do have to wonder if it's mostly a stereotypical "catty" female problem, because none of my boyfriends ever had any objections at all to my close friendships with my ex-boyfriends. Indeed, they were quite friendly with each other; and on more than one occasion I had a boyfriend suggest that we invite one of my male friends with us on various outings – sometimes as a "double date" with my ex's current mate, and sometimes just the three of us. That all seemed so natural and right to me. What seems wrong and unnatural to me is the strange and arbitrary set of social rules that so many people seem to insist on, whereby straight men and straight women cannot have close, intimate, platonic friendships with each other that endure through the years. A loving friendship is a treasure to last a lifetime. I cannot fathom why anyone would discard it just because of some arbitrary societal norms.